Queen of the Desert

2015 biographical drama

Rating: 9/20

Plot: Nicole Kidman rides a camel around the desert a lot.

This made it on a "Most Anticipated Movies" list a few years back, mostly because Werner Herzog is one of my favorite directors, but after a bad critical reception, I kept putting it off. My hopes were raised with the opening shots, all this cinematic wind and sand. Of course, Herzog's going to film during a real sandstorm rather than manufacture one because he's still got a little Fitzcarraldo in him, and the result is breathtaking. In fact, my favorite thing about the movie--and quite possibly the only good thing about the movie--is how the sand looks. Well, and the camels. I'm a sucker for good camel sequences in movies. The music during that opening scene, as well as the menu screen, was also pretty good. We were off to a solid start!

How can a movie with this much camel action be so dull? There are a few great camel sequences, including a couple where they're gurgling in an almost alien way. And there's a fun shot of one camel as it's watching Nicole Kidman take a bath. But maybe Herzog needs a scene where a dwarf laughs at a defecating camel, something that's missing here. There is a dwarf with some horses, but they aren't defecating, and there's no defecating camels anywhere to be seen.

James Franco is the acting equivalent of a defecating camel here though. Somebody really should have told him that his accent wasn't working at all in this thing. I suppose that would be Werner Herzog's job, but there were actors and actresses he had scenes with. Maybe Kidman should have said something to him. She probably just wanted to get to that bathing-in-the-desert scene, something she asked to be included, I read. Those scenes with Franco and Kidman are excruciating, the inane unfolding of an inane romance. It's stiffly acted and poorly written, the kind of romance where a vulture picking at carrion is apparently a visual aphrodisiac. There's one scene where Franco's character sneaks into the room where Kidman's character is sleeping. She says, "Henry, how did you get past the security guards with a ladder?" and he replies, "I know how to do all the important things in life." Maybe it was the accent or maybe it was the generic music that accompanied the dialogue, but the whole thing made me want both characters to gag on sand. It was the worst sand-related romance I've seen since Attack of the Clones, and the two had the sexual chemistry of a book about hygiene and a bag full of camel crap. One interaction, as a matter of fact, may have caused me to swear off sex for the rest of my life. Franco talks about Kidman's smile and how people make the mistake of marrying the "whole girl," and Kidman's response is to spread her legs and say, in a way I imagine was supposed to be sultry, "Here's the whole girl."

Ick! C'mon, Herzog! They're lucky Kinski wasn't on the set because he would have strangled them both as soon as the scene was completed.

Franco's early departure helps somewhat, but it's replaced with a diary voiceover that's almost as annoying. The pace is languid in the wrong sort of way, and the visuals become redundant while the character doesn't really do much developing at all. Any time camels or Nicole Kidman's nipples through a wet sheer white thing weren't on the screen, I was bored.

Herzog's next narrative film is about Henry Ford trying to build a plant in the rain forest. It sounds like familiar ground. My expectations will be high if either Nicolas Cage or a camel is playing Henry Ford. Otherwise, I'm not going to have much confidence in this one.